Hablas español?

Being an ex-pat, I understand some fundamental truths that you experience only when you live away from 'home' or- what was once your home. Truths such as;

• Its very rare for you to only have one currency in your wallet/possession
• You know snippets or random words from many languages (I can say 'ass' in 12 languages) 
• You begin to appreciate and get excited by cultural differences 
• You sometimes forget where you are. 

Now its probably the last one thats going to be most relevant to this story. 

It was a freezing cold February day and after insisting to my friends that I was NOT going to go out on that (Friday) night (Due to an early flight on saturday morning) I finally rolled into my house at 2am and set my alarm for 6am (yeah, I went out).

6am rolled round and I instinctively snoozed my alarm for the iPhones 9 minute window of procrastination... (I really am good at snoozing, if it were an olympic sport, I'd definitely win) and then another 9 minutes passed... and then another... and then I realized 'oh shoot I have to catch a flight!' and oh.... I didn't pack?! So I bowled out of bed like a 14 ball on a stag night (ten pin bowling reference) and quickly started getting ready. 3 things occurred to me

1. I should not have gone out 
2. My hair looks ridiculous, what on earth will I do with it? 
3. I'm probably going to miss this flight. 

I rushed. I shoved things in my suitcase I probably wasn't going to need and I wasted too much time looking for a stupid plastic bag for all of my liquids (grrrr, airlines- please get rid of this dumb rule asap) then I dashed to the train station (its not far!) skidded down the escalators, managed to grab a fresh juice and a dry bagel and just about caught my coat tails in the closing doors of the train... ahhh yes! I made it. And.. bonus- had my passport and drivers license too! JOY!

Made the flight. Yes! Even had time for a cup of earl grey- yeah, hardcore party animal right there. I even slept for an hour on the plane and made it. 

So. Sometimes, you forget where you are. 

I spoke to passport control in Dutch. Even though I was landing in the UK and given that my hair was still standing on end like I'd backcombed it with my fingers in an electric socket, its no wonder they thought I was high! Thye subsequently ended up 'randomly' selecting my bag for a quick swab test... all clear. (yep, all clear- it takes a lot of effort to look this terrible without drugs, but sometimes I'll go to those lengths) They then gave me a beady eyed look as I yanked a beanie hat over my insane hair and tried desperately not to fall over my own feet/luggage and find the car rental desk. 

I should point out that I was by no means over the drink drive limit- quite tired and probably not as fresh as I could have been, but after fresh juice, earl grey, a snooze and not actually having drank that much the previous night (4 Bacardi cokes) I was OK to drive. 

On my way to the car rental desk, again, I forgot where I was. I tried to pay for some make up remover wipes with euros, I then got confused and gave her my train card instead of my bank card- which didn't work when I found the right card anyway.

Anyway, I made it to the car. Nice car- a vauxhall something (corsa?) the extremely helpful and chirpy young girl showed me round the car and showed me to check for damage, I put my bag in the boot (trunk) of the car and then got into the passenger side of the car and fastened my seatbelt before I realized... erm... I'm on the wrong side. My bad. So slightly embarrassed and hoping no one realized I quickly scooted round and got into the driver seat. Did my little ambidextrous drivers motto (You're right when you're on the left and you're left out when you're in the right) and I also did my little mantra of LEFT LEFT LEFT which I always say when I arrive in the UK weather by car or public transport (no wonder people think I'm nuts) I then punched in the address onto the sat nav and off I went. 

It wasn't until about 20 minutes later I realized there was no sound on the navigation... Well.. never mind, I pretty much know the way from here anyway so no problem, I'll just look at the map. Plain sailing... got all the way to where I wanted to be with no directions. (cross the 500th roundabout of the day, second exit) perfect. 

Spent the weekend doing my thing, driving round my home city- its amazing, I haven't lived there for nearly 8 years and yet I still remember how to get to most places there. I almost resent that because I feel like if I could push that useless information out (we all have sat navs now, I don't need to know) I could probably retain some useful information like, say... another language?... 

So after the weekend in my home city, I drove onwards to a wedding, not anywhere near my home city- a few hours drive, but hey, tunes on, sweatpants and the heater and I was happy to drive for a little bit and see the rolling hills and countryside that I rarely get to see living in Amsterdam. So, got the sat nav out... punched in the post code and remembered... ohhhh she has no sound... So I found the volume button and punched that up to halfway and set off. Now... I don't know if I wasn't really listening until I got to the main roundabout to the motorway but the first time I really heard the sat nav she said "En la rotonda, toma la sedunda salida" or something like that. OK. Hmmmm... I thought.... yep.... definitely this really sucks because I DONT SPEAK SPANISH! 

So I figured the last people probably turned the sound off because they don't speak spanish... and couldn't translate the menus enough to turn it back, or, like me, they were driving down a highway at 70mph and couldn't fiddle with a navigation system. Then... again... I forgot where I was. I felt like I was on holiday in Spain and this was totally normal. "totalmente normal" So I put 2 euros in the flipping toll booth bucket instead of 2 pounds and got stuck behind the barrier faffing around for the actual currency and when I finally got to the hotel and bar, tried to order something I'd normally drink. Which they didn't have any of so I ended up drinking wine. 

Which brings me onto my highlight of TODAY (not that day) 

Todays highlight:
Today had a couple of highs (although a couple of balancing lows) but I think I'm going to have to go with someone remembering me from 4 months ago and a very brief conversation we had- it wasn't about wine though. Thats probably a little narcissistic to say but its not often I feel particularly memorable, despite having these ridiculous things happening to me and knowing that somewhere, I'm an internet sensation. It feels good when you know someone has a fond memory of you, so I'm going to suggest you whatsapp that old friend who you're not in touch with as much as you should be and remind them that they make you smile, or laugh, or every time you cross the street where they puked, you remember them. Because after all, isn't life worth remembering?

Namaste. 
Tish 

No use crying over spilt ... paint

I woke up this morning... full of the joys of... winter? Normally I hate winter but for once I woke up BEFORE my alarm and didn't immediately go back to sleep or feel like the idea of death was more preferable to getting up. I actually thought 'carpe diem' and got up! Fed Flashy, did everything I needed to and wanted to (including... BREAKFAST!) whilst singing 9-5 at Flash (he isn't impressed) and got to work... EARLY. All with a wintery feel. 

At lunch I cycled back for Flash and was soooo impressed with my boy! Not only had he used his toilet properly but there was no mess, no chewing AND... when I went to feed him he wasn't near my feet he just calmly waited until I said he could eat (immediately after he inhaled it but he did wait until he was told he could!) 

So still with the joys of the day in my step I went to get my bike and cycle back to the office only to see a friend had parked his bike next to mine and a text from him saying 'cycle back to work?' (we work nearby) then looking up I see him with 3 tubs of paint... 

I agreed to help him take the paint back to his place first (they're quite heavy tubs of paint) and kindly strapped one of the tubs of paint to my bike. We both joked that the pavement around the corner where white paint had been spilt before must have been because someone tried to balance 2 pots of paint on their bike... whilst my friend balanced and strapped 2 tubs of paint to his bike.... 

We made it to his apartment building... Opened the door to the foyer... I go in with my bike and turn around to hold the door for him... As I turn I hear SMASH and I see 2 tubs of white emulsion spilled on the pavement... 

Which brings me on to 

Todays highlight: Whilst scooping up the paint from the pavement and trying to put it back into the bucket, a couple of people came to help with bright ideas how to get the paint up. A homeless man brought us some old newspapers and a carrier bag to put the paint tub in and an older gentleman brought a cardboard box flattened to put over the paint spill so people didn't walk onto it. A few passers by just offered smiles and comments such as "theres nothing you can do" "What a shame, don't get it on your clothes!" and thats my highlight. The world keeps spinning! 

Of course my secondary highlight was when I came home in the evening, little Flashy gave me cuddles like you've never known from a dog and is now cuddled up next to me (despite always wanting to be ON the laptop- I swear he is a cat) 

I also found out that Flash loves carrots... he might be a rabbit! 

Namaste
Tish

Flash I think you get bad Karma if you pee on a Buddha..

Its my first day back at work today since getting Flash (Grand Master Flash Jigsaw) and despite rushing home at lunch time to feed and entertain him, he saved the truly funny stuff for when I got home this evening. 

Flash is learning the word "No" pretty quickly. You've probably gathered that Flash is a puppy. A massively cute if not cheeky puppy who loves bananas and food that smells better after its been digested. He isn't a vegan. He isn't even vegetarian. Flash is a meat eating puppy who lives with me in Amsterdam- and I am a crazy, vegan, 20-something woman who always has weird things happen to her, despite doing everything possible to avoid these things. 

I ride my bike to work- and back at lunch times to tend to Flash- then back to the office and back home again in the evenings. I have a padded seat on my bike- well, thats not true. I DID have a padded seat until it got stolen- just the seat. So I had to revert back to the original seat. I'm now not sure whether to get another gel cushioned seat or just be uncomfortable for 12 km per day for the rest of my life? I mean, who just steals the seat?! They could have at least taken the whole bike forcing me to get a better one but noooo just the seat. Assholes. (heh heh, no pun intended) 

So anyway, I decided it was about time to write a blog about all the crazy goings on in my life so I can look back at this and laugh- or make it into a movie. My life really is like Forrest Gumps, just a selection of weirdness from about age 2 to now. (20-something...) 

Todays highlight was that Flash pissed on the big 'gold' (plastic sprayed) buddha I have in my living room. This calming, zen like, buddhist big belly Buddha thats now covered in dog piss remnants (I obviously washed Buddha off and apologized to all the Gods) and the highlight is that I can't stop laughing. Maybe GOD is telling me I should be worshipping his mirror image (DOG) not that I'm religious, but my dog is certainly a god to me.

Namaste 
Tish